What a day yesterday for people with eastern Eurppean names. Blagojevich arrested for trying to sell Obama’s senate seat, and Natalya Rudokoya or whatever soon to be arrested by a warrant issued from my chambers for even worse behavior. This was the most annoying performance I have ever seen. It was made even more painful by such idiotic dialogue as the following:
Natalya: You are the gay!
Frank: I am not the gay!
Would that Frank were the gay, so we wouldn’t have had to endure the inevitable love scene, although it was made more palatable by the herky-jerky camera movements, another annoyance which gave me a headache.
Plot? I guess so. The Environmental Minister of Ukraine (Ha! Why not the Environmental Minister of China for a sequel?) is concerned because his daughter has been kidnapped by representatives of an evil American (of course) company which wants him to agree to allow them to dump lots of toxic sludge in his country. How do we know this stuff is toxic? Easy. Because:
1. When some hapless crewmen open the barrel, crap is floating on the liquid inside;
2. a toxic fog or steam starts to escape; and
3. the hapless crewmen are immediately horribly disfigured.
The real star of the film is Frank’s Audi, which has the capacity to do the following:
1. sink to the bottom of a lake, yet rise to the surface with the lift power of only a few breaths from the tires; and then, start up almost immediately;
2. jump onto the top of a moving train;
3. enter said train by driving itself through the rear entrance
Other tried and true filmic devices were shamelessly exploited, such as:
1. Frank, the hero, has a reclusive and eccentric friend living in a chateau of sorts in a remote area of Ukraine, with a basement featuring the latest in computers and related equipment;
2. Frank has a fight in the garage of the recluse: he is encircled by about 14 thugs, each of whom patiently waits until a fellow attacker is dispatched by Frank before trying his luck against the hero.
Natalya’s finest moments come when she supplies restaurant reviews of her favorite culinary establishments in the various cities through which she and Frank pass, although it isn’t made clear WHY they have to traipse around in this fashion. As for me, I would have thoroughly enjoyed watching her be parboiled gently in a large stockpot of the toxic brew. But, no such luck. I was continually forced to look at closeups of her motley, patchwork face, with freckles that would make Tom Sawyer blush. Even at the very end, when I thought she was finally done with, her creepy hand slid up from the bottom of the fishing boat to caress Frank’s shoulder, which only made me shudder more.
Great turnout last night: 11 MVFS members! Now, don’t forget February, Valentines Day Month. Thank you for electing me DIC in charge for that month. We will likely meet after the aforesaid wonderful holiday, so we may have our Annual Valentine’s Day Gift Judging (best and worst). The rules are, as usual, the following:
1. You must attend
2. You must truthfully answer the DIC’s questions as to what you ACTUALLY did or did not do for your spouse or girlfriend;
3. the decison of the DIC will be final and non-appealable.
Finally, kudos to Steve, who showed up late at the Rack, knowing full well he would have to submit to the cardinal MVFS Rule: He who showeth up at The Rack will payeth the full tariff.
Respectfully submitted,
Vic
Tags: Audi, Fighting, Jason Statham, Men's Violent Film Society, MVFS, Transporter, Violent Film
